“Make amends with this person you have hurt first before facing the Lord God!”

These words were vehemently thrown into my face this morning by someone who tells me she is a Christian. I was taken aback by her words. They were strong, commanding and filled with hatred for me.

Yes, I have hurt people in the past and though I tried to make amends, I was brushed off with hurtful and condemning words. So I resolved to stay in my own little world and shove it all behind, I tried not to look back because each time I would do so, I was being met with expletives, accusations and belittling. I was called names, names not even a dog would dare be called.

Yes, I left behind people who may have treated me as family and yes, I may have hurt them in the process, but I knew it was the right thing to do because to stay in that relationship meant wallowing in sexual sin.

Yes, I left behind unsettled obligations, but then I also left with just my flip flops, my trusty laptop and the little niece I was supposed to raise for my sister ( my sister took her back from me after the incident, after a year of being a mother to her and loving her like my own child). I also believe that I was not solely responsible for those obligations, afterall, I was not the only one who reaped the benefits.

As far as I know, I have already given everything I could ever give - emotionally, physically and financially. I have just arrived at a crossroads where I knew that I could not give anything anymore because I myself have nothing else left inside of me. I have reached a point where I was already bereft of anything.

Yes, I have hurt them and I truly am sorry for the pain I caused. I tried to reach out, but I was met with piercing bullets, what was I supposed to do?

My so-called friend said I should make amends with him first before I can face God

pag nakapag-ammend ka na sa kanya that’s the time pede taung humarap sa panginoon ng taas noo (after you have made your amends with him that is the time you can face god with your head held up high)

My friend, you missed the point. We never face God with our heads held up high because we have no right. We do not make amends with other people first because when we offend other people, we ask for God’s forgiveness FIRST, because it was God whom we have offended FIRST when we sinned against our fellow human beings.

alam ko na nagrepent ka hindi lang dahil sa tinanggap ka ng panginoon kundi dahil gusto mong maging example ka din ng kapwa mo CHRISTIAN! (I know that you repented not just because god accepted you but also because you want to be an example to your fellow CHRISTIANS!)

We repent because we realize our depravity, sinfulness, immorality, murderous nature, nothingness… Our being lost… Being damned for eternity. We repent because we have accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior and that we know, we are FILTHY and in no way deserving of God’s grace and mercy, we need Jesus Christ to redeem us from the pits of hell and eternal damnation. We repent, confess our sins, embrace Jesus Christ as our only hope for salvation, because we know that we are just specks of dust in this world, that our existence is merely just a statistic, hollow, empty, without meaning, thin air that is useless even to lifeless matters here on earth.

If one’s life is becoming an example to other Christians, then that is just the fruit of a repentant heart.

Bear fruit in keeping with repentance- Matthew 3:8

In one of our previous conversations many weeks ago, I was compelled to ask her things to make her realize the falsehood of her Christianity, not to insult her or to belittle her or to offend her, I merely wanted her to see that the road she is taking is wrong and that she should keep watch so she won’t be misled, so she can get herself back on track. That particular day, she told me that it does not concern her what my opinion is because she is the one accountable to God anyway, not me. This morning she also threw that in my face:

sabi mo hinde ako CHRISTIAN in the true sense ..who is???? (you said that I am not a CHRISTIAN in the true sense… who is????)

Who is?

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Note: Purposefully, this blogpost’s title is as is. I don’t even know what my purpose is for writing this… Actually, these are just ramblings of my currently turbulent and struggling heart. Please pray for me, dear brethren, please…

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